ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The best revenge is premature balding
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize