I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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