Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
