she was so not down for the gang bang
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
