I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
