What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
