It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize