So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
