then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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