he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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