I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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