Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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