it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
