I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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