you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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