Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
