You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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