I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
