Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
