Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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