i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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