i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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