This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
