Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
