youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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