hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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