"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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