I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
