it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
