I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
that's an acceptable place to lick
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
