I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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