Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
