Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
