Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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