so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
