Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
