Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
