Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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