Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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