I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
