Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
