I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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