Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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