Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
