I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
