were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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