I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
