i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sorry my hands just texted you
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
