My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
