We won't sleep together?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
