You work out of a Hotel?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
