So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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