apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
