I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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