nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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